Humour

Philosophical:

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
If golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.
Take 9 strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.
I'll always remember the day I broke 90. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back 9.
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

Definitions:

Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
Golf is a funny game: one day you're a statue, the next you're a pigeon.
Golf is an exercise in masochism conducted out of doors.
Fairway: a narrow strip of mown grass that separates 2 groups of golfers looking for lost balls in the rough.
Follow-through: the part of the swing that takes place after the ball has been hit, but before the club has been thrown.
Practice Ground: the place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice.
Gimme: an agreement between two losers who can't putt.

Marital/Romance:

Playing with your spouse on the golf course runs almost as great a marital risk as getting caught playing with someone else's anywhere else.
When golf starts to get in the way of work and family, give up work and family.
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.
Golf is a marriage. If I had to choose between my wife and my putter, well, I'd miss her.
Give me my golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.
Golf is played by a million British men whose wives think they're out having fun.
Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom.
Golf is like a love affair: if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.
Golf is like a 21-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.
The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing.

Practice:

It is as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can't see him laughing.
They say practice makes perfect. Of course it doesn't. For the vast majority of golfers it merely consolidates imperfection.
My golf swing is a bit like ironing a shirt. You get one side smoothed out, turn it over and there is a big wrinkle on the other side. Then you iron that one out, turn it over and there is yet another wrinkle.
I won't try to describe his game, beyond saying the way he played, it would have taken 3 years of solid practice to work up to where he could be called a duffer.
A professional will tell you the amount of flex you need in the shaft of your club. the more the flex, the more strength you will need to break the thing over your knees.
Being left-handed is a big advantage. No one knows enough about your swing to mess you up with advice.

Driving:

If it goes right, it's a slice; if it goes left, it's a hook; if it goes straight, it's a miracle.
When a pro hits it left to right, it's called a fade. When an amateur hits it left to right, it's called a slice. When a pro hits it right to left, it's called a draw. When an amateur hits it right to left, it's called a hook.
Never try to keep more than 15 separate thoughts in your mind during your drive.
You got a new driver for your wife? Great exchange!
I've a beautiful short game. Unfortunately, it's off the tee.
You know what they say about big hitters.... the woods are full of them.
When you start driving down the middle of the fairway, you meet a different class of people.
A playing partner called one of my drives a Rock Hudson - it looked straight but turned out to be anything but.
A drive that scuttles along the ground is a Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner.
You've just one problem: you stand too close to the ball - after you've hit it.
Everything was fine until I walked onto the first tee.
The secret of missing a tree is to aim straight at it.
The interesting thing about a golfer's language is that to listen to him one would think that his bad shots came as a surprise.

Putting:

Few pleasures on earth match the feeling of that comes from making a loud bodily function noise just as your opponent is about to putt.
Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.
A tricky short putt is a Dennis Wise - a nasty little 5-footer.
Golf's 3 ugliest words: still your putt.
My favourite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt.
Putting isn't golf. Greens should be treated almost the same as water hazards: you land on them, then you add 2 strokes to your score.
Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a fuse in the short space of 2 to 40 feet.

Fair Play:

Is my friend in the bunker, or is the b*st*rd on the green?
Golf is a game in which you shout 'Fore', shoot six and write down five.
Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.
Golf is the only game in the world in which a precise knowledge of the rules can win a reputation for bad sportsmanship.
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past 5.
Golf is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfiully and well.
I once played with a man who cheated so badly that he once had a hole-in-one and wrote down zero on his scorecard.

Luck:

A ball will always comes to rest halfway down a hill, unless there is sand or water at the bottom.
A lucky bounce is an OJ Simpson - got away with it somehow.

Dress Sense:

'Play it as it lies' is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is 'Wear it if it clashes'.
I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight middle-class business men, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Giving It Up:

If at first you don't succeed, don't despair. Remember, it takes a long time to learn to play golf; most players spend their entire lifetime finding out about the game before they give up.
I'll shoot my age if I have to live to 105.
The most common fault at St Andrews is turning up.
He enjoys that perfect peace, that peace beyond all understanding, which comes only to the man who has given up golf.

In Interview:

Interviewer: What was the difference between your first-round 81 and your second-round 67? Seve: 14 strokes.
Interviewer: You really know your way around a course. Whats' your secret? Jack Nicklaus: The holes are numbered.
Interviewer: Did you have any uphill putts? Ian Poulter: Yeah, after each of my downhill putts.